I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
