I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
