I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
