shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
