I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
