So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
