My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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