Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Randomize