My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
do herpes really smell.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
