you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
