i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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