She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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