so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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