You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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