I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
