I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
