Kareoke will never be a sober sport
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Hippo gnu deer
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
