omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
