I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Randomize
