Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
You're like the curious george of whores
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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