my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
