Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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