when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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