Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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