my phone needs a breathalizer
our cab driver is having phone sex.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
