o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Randomize
