i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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