Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
