to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
