My cat gives me a boner
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
