I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
