I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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