butt plug
anus plug
rubbish cock?
yes
you suck at this game today
My sheets look like a crime scene.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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