This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
