someone threw a dead crab at me
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
