If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
