Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
