I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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