I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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