when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize