ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
50% drunk capacity currently
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
