I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Randomize
