I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
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