i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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