I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
