she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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