At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
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