Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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