Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize