I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Randomize
