3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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