If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
