He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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