You just made me feel so damn special
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize