i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
