Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
