Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
