My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
