I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
